In the past week or so a couple of my friends tell me that i'm not acting like myself. They couldn't explain it, but they noticed a difference in the way i act. To be honest, i did to and i didn't want to talk about it so i just let it go, figuring that it was just the stress getting to me like it does sometimes. However, i was wrong. It wasn't the stresses in life that was affecting me. It was the fact that God is pushing me in a direction that i'm scared to go in. Every since i was a kid i have had this death grip on my life. I wanted all the control. I felt as if I couldn't rely on anyone and if i wanted something than i would have to go out and work hard to get it.
There has been alot of changes happening in the past 2 months. So many things the have turned out alot different than i thought they would. I now, almost, feel like i'm lost in a sense. Don't get me wrong, i'm not sad or depressed with the way things have turned out. I've never been happier! The issue that i'm stuggling with is i can't seem to let God take TOTAL control. He has 95% of the control of my life. He has finally gotten me to losen that death grip that i have. He was very proud of me for doing that and i rejoice every day cause it felt good. God will never be satisfied with 95% of something. He wants it all. All of your burdens, worries, regrets...everything. Its easy the give him those things, but when it comes to things like control, your heart, basically your life. Then, it gets really nerve racking. I'm like, "hey, you took away all my regrets and sorrows. Sweet! I can't thank you and praise you enough! But thats it thats all you can have."
Having faith is one of the most rewarding and difficult things that i've ever done! There are times when its easy and you don't have a problem with it. The hard part, the part that i'm struggling with now, is when God asks you to have faith in him when something doesn't seem like it will work out. My first reaction to this situation is to take matters into my own hands and do what i need to do in order for them to work out. God won't let me do that right now and it's so frustrating! He keeps telling me that i have to have faith in him with this. That i need to give it to him and let it go. My friend told me that if its in his will then it will all work out. Those words echoed through my head at least a hundred times! I look back on my life before and i really didn't have a clear understanding of what it meant to sacrifice yourself and your wants to God. I'm not saying that i understand that statement fully, but i have alot better understanding of it now than i did at any other point in my life.
"I am hard pressed on every direction, but not overrun."
Even as i'm going through this difficult time, i can feel myself growing closer God. I've never sang so many worship songs on a daily basis before in my life. lol. I don't know what His plan is for me and I don't know the answer to my problem is. Maybe there is no answer...just an experience that will give me more wisdom in this matter that i can use to help someone else. All i do now is i will never stop worshiping him. I will never stop thanking him. I will never stop praising him. I will never stop loving my God, my strength, my savior...my everything.
"We walk by faith and not by sight."
